Tina's not-so-secret diary 📓🔓

April 17 2026

[10:12] They did not kill themself. They're still considering it, but they have not actually killed themself yet. I hesitate to say they're "fine", because they're NOT fine. People who are doing fine do not consider suicide. When I was considering suicide, I was not fine. When I was envisioning myself hurtling 6 storeys from the top of the carpark downtown to my death against the pavement below, I was not fine. They don't need to be "happy with their life" necessarily, just "fine" is good for starters. We can work on "happy with their life" once we reach "fine".

April 16 2026

[21:26] I hate the waiting. One of my online friends might have killed themself earlier today. Then again they may not have. THere's no way to know until they respond to my email, but they're also under a strict curfew to the point their "caretaker" confiscates their phone every night. Hence the waiting. They're not going to see this post or my email until they get their phone handed back to them, which may not even happen until the afternoon. THis is assuming they are still alive. Which brings us back to, I hate the waiting. I know their situation is dire. Do I fully understand what they're going through? No. Does that mean I care about them any less? NO. Their abusers have convinced them that everyone is the same, that nobody has time to think about them or whatever it is, when the pure and simple truth of the matter? I was crying into Riza's chest earlier about this. WE CARE about them. I have SEEN OTHERS care about them. I hate the waiting. I hate thinking that, starting tomorrow, their site updates will stop, their emails will stop, they will be dead. And they died believing I didn't care about them.

[22:22] ngl i always get a little suspicious whenever someone says "female" where "woman" would be more context-appropriate. especially if the speaker is a woman herself. like way to reduce your existence to a set of dimorphic physical attributes. but generally it's a pretty easy way to identify FARTs. by saying "female" instead of "woman", they're creating a division between cis and trans exactly the same way the conservatives try to divide "male" and "female". but you try telling them "by trying to oppress trans women, you're just oppressing yourself", and you get a fundamentalist thinkpiece written about you.

[05:48] Wait, have I seriously not made a diary entry since my birthday? Anyway, I'm not usually one to talk about what happens in bed, but while I was being little spoon last night my body did something very strange. I got sexually aroused but not in the way I'm used to. Not in the "make gock hard" sense. THe only way I can describe it is my body very suddenly and very intensely wanted Riza to get it pregnant. How is it that I can have a phantom sensation without even having the parts that I'm feeling it in? Nonetheless, my mind-uterus said "ope, baby time". THen, a couple hours later while I couldnt sleep, I started to feel body dysphoria. I felt like my body hadn't changed at all in the 3 years I've been on HRT and that it never would change. On my way out to the kitchen to get some breakfast, I passed the full-length mirror and looked at myself in it and... like. Where did my brain get THAT idea from? 56DD bra size, the blouse I'm wearing makes me look pregnant by default. I've been ma'amed before in this particular outfit. Like, come on right now. You don't think you look a little feminine standing in profile like this? My boobs might not be as big as I want them to be (H or J would be ideal), how do I not look feminine right now?

[05:55] It's not the recognised Trans Day of Visibility anymore, but it's every little boy's God-given right to grow up to be a girl if she wants to. It's also every little girl's God-given right to grow up to be a boy if he wants to. Or to abandon the gender binary altogether. It really isn't as complicated as the liberals make it out to be, and it isn't even mentioned in the bible like the conservatives say it is. "Oh, you gotta read between the lines!" Well, I read the Epistle to the Galatians between the lines and it said you're a fucking square.