Tina's not-so-secret diary 📓🔓

[12:42] ok chat. im either dying of a horrendous stomach lesion or im cramping again. considering the time of the month and how I REALLY DESIRE RIZA CARNALLY RIGHT NOW im inclined to say cramping. cos HOLY FUCK riza is wearing such a flattering dress and i just. i cant, chat. i need her rn. like I NEED HER rn. but she's eating lunch right at the moment.

[16:13] i guess i forgot about the fact i do genuinely ovulate. the cramp was more about the fact that i forgot to eat. didnt change the fact i orgasmed so fucking hard tho. it's weird, i havent been that horny in a long time. i wonder whats different?

[09:44] i had a random thought flash across my mind last night that made me afraid to fall asleep. i cried about it with riza for a while, then we both got up and played new super mario bros wii. i dont want to go over it in too much detail, but i was worried about her and that worry spilled over into the part of my brain that supplies self-destructive imagery. suffice to say, it was nothing; i didn't dream about it (mostly dreamt about james bond for some reason), we both woke up though at different times, and everything is fine. or, as fine as it can get in a transphobic stronghold of the fascist dictatorship.

[23:04] i experienced a moment of true happiness for the first time in almost a decade tonight. i was lying in bed with riza, pausing for a breather between kisses; we were nuzzled up into the napes of each other's necks, issbrokie was playing, and i thought about how much of a change riza's being here has made to my otherwise very uninspiring life.

[11:24] After spending way too many years listening to random orgasms through my bedroom wall, my neighbours got to hear me orgasm for a change. 4 times. I mean, I've been having pretty loud ones ever since starting progesterone, but I was always just jilling and otherwise still in control of my brain. But, it's like I said before-- Riza found the button that turns my brain off. So yeah. There genuinely were times last night I forgot how to say any words except "yeah" and all i knew how to do was gasp and moan. Very loudly. TL;DR, Riza railed me stupid.

[22:09] riza found the button that turns my brain off. incidentally, this is also the "drool" button.

[16:25] I realised last night that I might have made it sound like Riza and I are married. No, we're not married. We're just 2 lesbians living our best lives as girlfriends under the same roof.

[14:23] I saw one of my neocities mutuals talking about having trouble getting themselves back out there and dating again. Rather than exposing them and posting this directly on their profile, I decided to put it in here instead. I had teenager troubles with my first 2 relationships: JM and I loved each other, but her dad didn't like my mum so I became off-limits. Had it not been for this small-time racist's rush of dictatorial power forbidding his daughter ever seeing me again, I most likely would have married her after high school. It's a good thing I didn't though, because of the way her dad was able to control her by convincing her that I was like the spawn of Satan or some shit because I did divination. Right, some girls were witches outright, but I was just a fortuneteller. No spells involved, no weird chants or anything, just numbers and charts. Whatever. It turned out that she was a Christian cultist and I don't think our marriage would have lasted very long in that case.

My next relationship was not really a relationship, M had me over to her dorm room during my 1st year of college and we fucked hard and fast before her roommate could come back from class. We never really spoke before that, and afterward I left school and never saw her again. We had no relationship, went on no dates, said only a few sentences to each other. To this day I still don't know why she decided to have sex with me instead of her boyfriend at the time, but I guess it doesn't matter now, especially since my boobs are bigger than hers were.

Then, my relationship with E never got any further than the fact she would never refer to non-white people by any name other than their most common racist epithets. Also, she loved Huskers football, listened exclusively to post-9/11 nationalist country and western music, and her family were big-time republicans. I didn't know any of this when I fell in love with her, but that was the last relationship I had until Riza.

I'm kind of lucky on this score, actually. Even though I agonised over it terribly at the time, I never went out on dates, I never randomly met people at pubs or whatever, I never had a profile on any of the dating websites or apps, I was never a part of the so-called "dating culture". Fate just sort of dropped Riza into my life in March 2025 and I fell in love with her gradually, without realising it was happening. And I do love her. I love her deeper than any girl I've ever known. We have the perfect relationship because we started out as friends. We play games together, we laugh at memes and stuff, we love each other as friends and as lovers. As I understand it, this is not the way most people fall in love; quite honestly, considering the mushrooming divorce rate in this country, it's specious to say that anyone ever falls in love at all, as they get married chiefly for sexual or financial reasons. Don't get me wrong, Riza's beautiful and I'm attracted to her physically; but we also have so many interests and political views in common that we can continue existing in the same house outside the bedroom. This is an important part of romantic relationships that people rarely think about: the "friend" aspect to "girlfriend" and "boyfriend".

I've strayed from the point somewhat. All I really wanted to say was, I relate to the whole "having problems dating" thing so hard I feel it in my bones. But at the same time, I'm lucky not to need to worry about it anymore. Every time I wake up to roll over in bed or something, I look over and see her in bed with me and I think, "my girlfriend", then I start smiling uncontrollably. I love her so much, chat. 💞

[18:44] Nope, this one needs another consent interception...

I'm trying SO HARD not to infodump about this but HOLY FUCK...

[15:44] Ok well, when i said that this didn't feel like the last time i was in love insofar as i'm not wanton and desperate this time... well, things change. I am now VERY wanton and desperate. Fortunately, not about our whole relationship, just about this one minor thing which I will, sadly, have to wait until tonight to do anything about

[14:50] It's been that time of the month for a long time now. It feels like it's been going on for months even though it's only been about 4 days. We're back to the "profound emptiness" stage of trans periods, where we start feeling urges without having any means of carrying them out. I don't know why, but it hurts more this month than it ever has before. I've felt this way on and off for years, but I never felt it so deeply than this month in particular. I think I'm going to cry about it some more.

December 13 2025

[00:00] oooofff THAT'S a familiar feeling....
Last night (more 2 nights ago at this point), Riza and I were on vc with one of her Discord friends, T, when one of T's other friends comes into the chat and the very first thing T asks is "how'd it go with the baby?" And friend starts talking about their experience getting induced then getting a C-section and all this end-stage pregnancy and newborn stuff, with their baby's other parent audible on call too. All I could do was rest my head on Riza's chest as I felt the return of that familiar empty feeling. This was a couple days after I'd had one of the most memorable dreams in recent history: I'd dreamt that I had a baby with Riza, it was a girl and I could even remember her name. Chrysanthemum Candace Lastname. It's interesting that even in my subconcious, I'd remember to name my child that. There was a picture book I remember the teacher read to our class in 1st grade called Chrysanthemum, which was the story of a little girl who hated her name until the substitute teacher, who was pregnant, heard it, thought it was beautiful, and named her own child that. I remember finding the book in the school library and sneaking it out of there in my notebook, then reading it again to myself over and over again at home in secret for about a week. Basically, that was the point at which I decided I wanted to have kids myself. Ever since then, I've been holding "Chrysanthemum" in reserve for my future daughter. I'm not sure where I dredged "Candace" up from, but it probably had something to do with Phineas & Ferb. I figured if she had a problem with people spelling her name, she could always shorten it to "Chrys", or do like I used to do and use her middle name. Oh, I just realised where "Candace" came from... my new middle name is also from Phineas & Ferb, so my dreams kept to the same naming convention. It's perfect, but it's never going to happen. All I can do is sit there and have baby envy. We stepped away from VC for a while and went out to the porch, where I cried into Riza's chest. It's nobody's fault that I can't have children, it's just a fluke of statistics. I still love her with all my heart.

[00:45] I dont know why but it hurts more this time. I said it was familiar, but it's never hurt this much before. I feel like I could collapse in on myself like a black hole.

[08:32] no one has ever made me moan like riza can 🥴
though im tempted, im not going to say any more than that.

[08:53] im not feeling guilty about saying this anymore. i used to feel like i needed to tread lightly around this subject so i wouldnt offend anyone. except the person i was afraid of offending was only trifling with riza's heart anyway, completely uninterested in even staying her friend. so yeah. if i want to come onto my diary page and say that riza and i are sleeping together, thats my prerogative. sorry mate, but i told you something like this was going to happen and you didnt do thing 1 to stop it.

[22:12] Music can sure have a profound effect on mood can't it. Most of the time it's context specific. I kinda had to stop Riza listening to a particular song because it was just gonna make her feel bad. Maybe it was. I dont really know. Maybe i was just too forward and controllist. Anyway we're listening to the entire album now instead of just the 1 song. When im feeling the dysphoria and impostor syndrome, i hope she will keep me away from "skin" by oingo boingo.

[07:42] Everyday, my girlfriend finds new ways for me to fall deeper in love with her. I feel happier now than I've felt in... maybe ever?