Tina's not-so-secret diary 📓🔓

[01:21] I had a dream last night that i was getting married but that i was wearing a wedding gown and veil. It was a christian wedding for some reason but that's not really important right now. I dont often dream about marriage, it HAS happened but not recently. I used to think about getting married a lot pre-transition. Not really about the marriage itself so much as a kind of cinematic storyline as though i was just acting. But in those daydreams i was always wearing a suit. This is the first time ive ever thought about getting married in a dress. I remember it all—i remember how it looked, the bouquet, walking down the aisle, the music being autoplayed from a MIDI sequence over my Fantom X6 (like i would leave something as important as music up to a third party even in my dreams, pfft), I dont remember who i was getting married to, but I just remember how beautiful i looked. Tastefully made up with lipstick and everything, my hair straightened out to 1960s-type curls at the ends, oh I was quite a sight to behold! I'm not too sure on the rest of the dream but i remember it ended when someone told me i was pregnant. I woke up crying. It was perfect. But it wasnt real.

[16:15] Dont misunderstand me here. i appreciate the HELL out of the fact that i dont have to pay for my hrt out of my very shallow pockets... but why does the insurance company's letter saying theyve approved it always seem like a half assed plea for gratitude? "We approve your ability to receive this medication, we are so wonderful and benevolent." it was the same vibe that the letter scrotus maximus sent along with the covid relief money had. "im so great, love me and my munificence".

[09:17] everyone's life goes forward. everyone makes something of themselves even if it's just frontend staff at walmart. everyone grows up, moves away, meets someone, and settles down. everyone except me. i died without dying on the last day of high school and have just been drifting from one failure to the next ever since and it makes me feel less than human most days. basically the only thing that keeps me going anymore is the thought that i need to stay alive because i'm trans and the radfems must not be allowed to win. but at the end of the day, that's all i have. sorry, im just kind of lonely today.

[13:32] What we need more of is plastic surgeons who think they're god. I'm talkin like comic book villain levels of god complex here. Dudes who periodically look at their scalpels and say shit like "with this knife, I can reshape people in my own image". Absolute horny-ass doctors who do such a detailed job on top and bottom surgery that their patients dazzle all who see them with their otherworldly beauty and sheer animal magnetism. And then, when the christian fundie gauntlet show up at their clinics, they're like "I don't fear the Lord, the Lord fears me" and launches into this monologue like, "When I was small, I knew everything. I was chess grandmaster at 8, joined Mensa at 12, and excelled in every academic field. But it was all hollow, for I knew my true calling... it was nothing short of omniscience itself. As it says in the Bible, on the first day, the Lord created the Heaven and the Earth, so I knew what I must do. I began studying cosmology, astrophysics, and medicine."

[06:02] it may be difficult for trans people to find allies, but at least it's easy to spot enemies. i'd say we're lucky that our enemies are so diametrically opposed to our existence that they don't even put on a veil of tolerance. Hell, they hate us so bad that they accuse cis people of being trans. obviously this is FAR from the ideal situation but at least they make themselves easy to see.

[12:22] I refuse to be scared into hiding by radfems. They all suck and are worthy of nothing but my boot in their ass. Calling them "TERF" is too charitable, because it suggests they're actually feminists when what they are is FART: feminism-appropriating radical transphobes.

[01:24] I just looked at my driver's license. Like really LOOKED at it for the first time in forever. The picture was from 2016. The person depicted hasn't brushed his hair in about a month, hasn't had a haircut in a year, and has a scruffy beard with a mustache that doesn't quite connect to it. He's staring blankly at the camera from behind the same glasses I currently wear, unsure of his place in society or if his future holds anything except vapid masculinity. He hides it very well, but I know how much pain he's in, how angry he is at himself for things that haven't mattered in 10 years, and how desperately he wanted to love someone, especially himself. He has no idea if one day he'll wake up and finally discover the courage to plunge one of his kitchen knives into his throat or if he'll simply carry on dragging through life from one disappointment to another as he's been doing for so many years he's lost track. Fortunately, she survived.

[04:39] I experienced some real gender euphoria yesterday. Artist's rendition...

My mum gave me a shirt from her physical therapist office that was way too small for either of us to wear as regular clothing, but I took some measurements and cropped a bit of the hem, because I'm poor and can't afford women's clothes. I'd been just kinda wearing it around the house for about an hour, noticing how it was brushing up and down my chest as I walked across the room because, well, gravity do be like that. I kind of do this bouncy thing now when I walk down the corridor because breasting boobily down the hall is exactly why I transed.

Anyway, I put my headband on (aka. the sleeve off the first t-shirt i made into a crop top that fell apart after I wore it 3 times) and played The Sims a bit, made a journal entry into my dictaphone, and didn't really think anything of it until I got up to use the john. When I went to wash my hands, of course I looked into the mirror and... ^^^ that happened. I looked into the mirror and saw a girl looking back at me. I gasped and cried tears of joy! Until that moment, I never saw anyone but just plain ol' me looking back at me in the mirror. But, my hair was pulled back, my boobs were making deformation folds in my crop top, the sleeves rode up above my biceps, I had just shaved about 12 hours before, and all of this coalesced into the realisation, "oh my god, that's me!"

I've never been happy with myself before. Oh, yes I did a fair amount of flexing and DreamWorks eyebrows at myself in the mirror when I was a teenager, but I only ever tolerated myself. I always felt I didn't look the way I wanted to look. Finally. Finally, I felt happy. For the first time in my life, I can look at my reflection and feel satisfaction, happiness, even pleasure. I turned myself on a little bit, which is necessary to mention has never happened before; because I never realised until fairly recently that, for lack of any other way to put this, I didn't want a big-tiddy gf, I wanted to be the big-tiddy gf. Well, I have one half of that dream now, and I'm pretty happy about it!