Tina's not-so-secret diary 📓🔓

[00:22] Oh yeah? If I cared so little about what other people think of my site, why would I have made loads of tiny small edits to pages after finishing the last entry so I could bury it on my Neocities news feed? And why would I have made up a day just so I could have an excuse to put this entry onto the January archive? Come on, Tina, you know that nothing you said just now was true.

[23:48] I don't think most of my Neocities followers actually intended to follow me. I have 211 followers at this point, which is pretty high for someone who has only been active since May 2023. Nobody really cares that this site is here, they just followed me out of some combination of pity and looking good to the "special sauce" algorithm. No one ever reads what I write (how can they? there's too much here), no one ever listens to the songs I write. If they follow me for anything at all, it's because they saw I have a gallery page and they just want to be here to consume any visual media I post. Everyone is so hungry for eye-catching visuals but I never draw anymore so it's like I'm letting them starve. They'd unfollow me if they could be arsed to click through to my profile. I try to be a good neighbour. I try to look at every update, I try to like things, but it's just like tumblr. Everyone knows you don't actually like anything you click Like on, you just do it because it's expected of you. I can't be arsed to leave comments, so I may as well be a bot that clicks like the second you post something. So many people I see on the global activity page, complimenting each other's work, saying how much they love each other's sites, but I don't get any of that. Why would I? My site looks like ass. I claim it's because I want it to look like it fell out of 2002, but really I can't write code without a template. My site should look like everyone else's, I should have built it on sadgrl's template so it looks like it belongs here. Instead, I built it from scratch using ancient-ass HTML that no one has used since Netscape Navigator was still around. Who could possibly like any part of this ugly-as-fuck piece of shit I made by pounding my fists on the keyboard like a chimpanzee? I never say anything new or groundbreaking, or even useful. The 15 Essential Games section only exists so I can torment myself with ghosts from my past; no one gives a shit about Nintendo 64 or GameCube, no one has ever heard of Animal Crossing New Leaf, no one is ever going to play The Sims 1 ever again. My blog section is just a lump of bad code where I bitch about things everyone hates into an echo chamber and I just make myself sad when I read it again later. If I deleted this site, no one would ever notice. Someone at the host's end might notice and feel relief that I'm not taking up precious bandwidth anymore, but no one else.

January 29 2025

[03:23] Yep, it's about Star Trek again. I watched "The Outrageous Okona" last night and the first thing that hit me about it was how much of a fucking tool Okona is. Remember how I talked about my favourite kind of men being the ones who don't think they're cute but they actually are? And how I brought up conventionally-attractive men who're cute and they know it? That's the kind of guy we're talking about here. UGH! I want to just fuck that roguish grin right off his '80s-romance-novel-cover face. I'm not usually down for hatefucking, but in this case, I'll make an exception. He's the kind of guy who steals your girlfriend and gets her pregnant just to assert dominance over you. This is actually reminding me of an Audacity theatre scene I wrote for Tumblr a few years ago where I would have played a guy who gets mad about Mr. Peanutbutter from Bojack Horseman and, as he keeps talking, his façade breaks down to reveal some trauma from high school until he breaks down crying. Was it based on a true story? Eh, let's not go into that.

🌶️ January 28 2025

[03:33] I watched ST:TNG 201-"The Child" last night and, every year, without fail, I say out loud to the television, "Don't turn around, Wesley, you'll give yourself away" when Troi waddles onto the bridge (albeit unconvincingly), and wouldn't you know it? Every year, he turns around. Wesley Crusher preggo kink confirmed. I bet he had to take a circuitous route back to his quarters to run the clothes-washing ray over his trousers after going off-duty, then went straight to the holodeck and gave holo-Troi a triplet belly before fucking 3 more into her on the futon in Picard's ready room. I imagine that Lt. Barclay knew about Wes' program, but he strikes me as more of an ass man.

[15:06] Talking of pregnant women, the social services seem to have let their lease on one of the downstairs flats expire, because people are taking generic-looking furniture out of there. The third-to-last people to live in there were a major depression trigger for me in '22. Of course, I was also convinced back then that I could never ever transition because politicians and evangelicals were lurking around every corner and even admitting I wasn't cis would have alerted a lynch mob to my presence, so that was happening too. It'll be so very nice not to have a steady stream of pregnant 18- and 19-year-olds rotating in and out of there, my nerves are thanking you for not renewing your lease, social services. I'm reminded of my own inadequacies enough at the grocery store, I don't need them shoved in my face everytime I look out the window, thank you very much.

[12:17] The nihilism of Trump's America from a few days ago fell away pretty fast when someone reminded me about the word "kayfabe". Also, I was fact-checking something before I posted it on Tumblr and I encountered the Citizenship clause in the 14th Amendment. Basically, Trump is playing the character of a political strongman when he's so bad at making executive decisions that he's gone bankrupt a dozen times and had to bury his tax records in 2018 to conceal that; and despite all declarations to the contrary that come out of his ass whenever someone's dumb enough to put a microphone in front of him, the 14th Amendment forbids the federal government interfering in naturalisation by birth. It says it right there: "All persons born or naturalised in the United States[...]are citizens of the United States and the state in which they reside." Bing! Trump loses again! I wonder how it must feel to be the most hated person in America, behind Elon Musk of course (in a couple different ways even).

[12:47] If I can just get my boobs about 3 sizes larger, I'll have exactly the same build as that girl from downstairs. Well, except I'll have big, strong thighs. 🤤🩷 Anyone who says that it's immoral to get turned on by yourself is probably trying to sell you something.

[12:34] I had the worst time sleeping last night of any night in recent memory. I got up to use the loo (not an uncommon occurrence) and when I went back to bed, just as I was falling off, I suddenly flashed back to January 2017, then January 2021. Then I started to feel very old. I often say that time stopped for me when Trump was elected in November 2016, but it was actually a long-ass time ago. You know how, on Star Trek Voyager, when an enemy military takes over the ship, they use establishing shots of Voyager that they've been using for the whole time the show's been running, but it kinda looks different because you know that the Starfleet/Maquis crew isn't in command anymore? I looked out my window and saw nothing that I haven't seen every night for the past fucktillion years, but it looked different because this is Trump's america again. Everything looks secretive and conspiratorial now. It looks like a smokescreen for what's really going on in the world. I feel like, if I reach up and tear the curtain down, I would see something like Hieronymous Bosch's judgement-day scene, only with Trump's outsized face looming over everything, inventing new definitions of "cruel and unusual punishment" and ripping the tongue out of anyone who tries to stop him. It's a hellish scene of torment and fire and death; so bleak that the future has ceased to exist and I would gladly carve my own heart out with a kitchen knife just to erase the memory of seeing it. "Afraid" is too tame of a word to describe my feelings right now. I feel like death would be preferable to whatever fate Trump's yes-men have in store for transgender people. But, at the same time, I know I won't have the courage to do it. If Trump wants me gone, he's gonna have to do it himself. He's going to need to send whatever paramilitary organisation round my flat to put a bullet in my brain, because I'm not going to be able to do it for him.

[12:01] I really try not to listen to my mum's telephone conversations... but her friend from work. Whooooooooof... 🫤 This is a 60-year-old woman, who's behaving like she's 16. Ordinarily, I don't have a problem with that, because old age being a state of mind and all that, but COME ON. The way she approaches romantic relationships is SO MUCH like the way I used to. Everything is couched in metaphor, nothing is said explicitly, everything needs to be deduced, if the wrong deduction is arrived at then it's all over. Oy gevalt. If I had just cut out the metaphors, asked people out, and accepted rejection as it came, masturbating where I needed to in order to get over it, MY LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER RIGHT NOW. This woman has been married and divorced, you'd think she would understand the process. This is how i discovered that I'm aromantic. The whole thing is such a bloody farce, I want no part of it. Especially now in the age of Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok, where prospective suitors send you videos and expect you to divine its significance. Plus, isn't there a pop psychology trend, "how to tell if they're interested", or am I just Making Up a Guy? Whatever. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. No. Miss me with all that 21.2nd century romance fuckery.

[02:18] Well, here it is: 2025. I'm putting on a brave face, but the fact of the matter is that I'm terrified of what is to come this year. I have to trust in the idea that everyone has a conscience, even if it tells them different things, and that Maj. Harold Hering's immortal words are uttered by everyone who interacts directly with the Office of the President of the United States: "How do I know that my orders were issued by a sane president?" I have to trust that the people who are expected to carry out the whims of Elon and Donald pause just long enough to wonder why. I need to trust in the critical thinking abilities of others. I'm not good at that.