Tina's not-so-secret diary 📓🔓

[21:40] Today hasn't been great. I've cried a lot. I imagine it's just hormonal, but so is your period and it doesn't make it any more comfortable. Mainly I just keep having my delusions of everlasting youth shattered. My aunt most likely has breast cancer that metastasised to her bones and isn't likely to make it very far into 2025. My other uncle on the west coast just had abdominal cancer chaemo'd, and I don't imagine he'll live to his 70th birthday. I'm not particularly close to either of these people, but their impending deaths, combined with the news that I am now officially the only one of my generation in my extended family who does not have children of her own, made today exceptionally hard. People always wish each other a happy new year today, but I just... it's not gonna happen. I'm sure I'll start to feel better in a few days. Apropos to the new year, I always hated GNYD. Either it meant that winter break was over in school or it marked another year where I didn't do anything useful. So, when I started observing Rosh Ha'shana more in 2019, I could have the best of both worlds. Even this year, tomorrow I'm planning to say "Yesterday was 2024, today is 2025, and it was 5785 the whole time" on my status dash. I could pretend like the new year hadn't happened on January 1 because the year I celebrated on Rosh Ha'shana was still going; then, on Rosh Ha'shana, I could pretend like the new year hadn't happened because the Gregorian year was still going. I'm going to carry on with that particular conceit because I think I'd go slowly mad otherwise.

My aunt is going to be the first Boomer death in my family. All my cousins are parents. I'm still here, at my computer, not making anything of myself. I'm indistinctly sad about several different things, but these 3 points are pretty high up in the list.

[15:38] My favourite kind of men are the ones who are cute without realising they're cute. Not like a film where there's a bookish guy played by a conventionally-attractive dude and he spends the whole film realising that he's actually a hunk with glasses. But like my downstairs neighbour. He's fat, has a receding hairline and a goatee, and he has the cutest, most lyrical voice I've ever heard. I accidentally dropped my #6 fan brush through the slats on my deck while I was painting one day last year and I had to knock on his door and disturb him at the height of the "getting ready for work" time, but he was so cheerful and giggled so sweetly when I explained what had happened. If the painting hadn't been promised to my mum, I would have given it to him to thank him for his patience.
Then, there's the guy with the mustache who works at the store. He's so nice to everyone and has the sweetest dimples. I don't think anyone has ever called him "cute" before, but he is.

This is in contrast to the guys who are conventionally attractive and they know it. This isn't a rule, obviously, but most of the hunks who knew they were hunks that I've met have always displayed a certain kind of arrogance; interrupting you as though you hadn't been talking, cutting ahead of you in the queue, little things that show they've always been popular and popular guys can get away with anything. They don't go around flexing and saying "oh, I'm so beautiful", but just being jerks, especially to women. Now, right, like I said, this isn't the rule. I've known some boys-next-door who are kind and compassionate. I even fell in love with one once.

[16:33] Now that my baritone range is gone, my sex-moaning is way hotter 😍

[17:38] I guess I can't just say that and not give details. Just in case you were lying about your age (get the HELL out of here, for SERIOUS rn) I'll despoil the text. Well, I finally got to the sexy bit in my Malink story, and— this is where AI-generated art falls far short of creating something out of your own heart— it got me really wet. Like really wet. I decided it was time to stop for today and jill. Well, I'm stroking my clit and gasping and moaning and everything, and I keep thinking I'm hearing a girl having really wet solo across the corridor. Actually, it's the normal room reverb, I'm actually hearing myself! I sound so much like a girl now, it's amazing! And that is... the rest of... the story. Good day.

[01:57] Does the guy across the carpark know how lucky he is? How does it feel to have your shit together, to go to bed every night knowing what the next morning will bring, to be married to your best friend, to tuck your kids in at night knowing they'll grow up to be better people than we ever were? Do people like that even know that people like me exist? Even on your lowest day, you're having a better day than I am. You never need to know loneliness, it's not part of your vocabulary. You succeeded in life. On my best day, I'm still just one person, wasting away behind a crumbling veneer of gladness, pretending to be glad I'm independent, pretending it's a good thing I never got married. Do you know, can you even comprehend how much I envy you? I would gladly give up all that I am to go back to my teenage years and not blend into the carpet. I would give up my soundfonts, my MIDI controllers, my 3DS, my HRT, my very soul to have your life. Is it possible for you to understand? To even BEGIN to understand?

[04:16] I found the journal entry I made on the day I decided I wanted to transition. I mentioned the reasons why I could never actually be a woman without realising I had internalised all the radfem rhetoric about "wombyn"; I felt it couldn't possibly work because I couldn't have kids. Like, I couldn't actually bear children within my self. And I couldn't know that's what it was. There's no way I could have known. Fortunately, I didn't let it get me down. Even though it was quite a long time between then and asking for my referral, I did eventually discover that being a woman is a lot more than just what you've got in your pants. It's a series of experiences, a perception of the world, a way of looking at things. It's the ability to finally put my hair into a ponytail, to wear lipstick and cute clothes, to look into the mirror and not feel disappointed, to finally love myself after years of self-hate, if not the ability to get pregnant. I'm sure if I weighed 50 kg and had G-cups I'd begin to fit their idea of a woman, but I already fit my own. I said a few months ago that I can look into the mirror and see one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. I love calling myself a girl and I love what that's done to my outlook on life. I'm glad I didn't decide to abandon my transition just because I don't have a uterus. Not only for myself, but for my cisters who've had a hysterectomy or something that would otherwise impair their ability to have children. By declining to transition on those grounds, I would be legitimising the rhetoric, not just for transfems, but for cisgender women, transgender men, and AFAB enbies as well. I love you all, and I don't want to see you fall victim to the radfems any more than I would have.

[08:08] No, I have to finish the story. I'll ruin Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask forever, but I'll hate myself if I don't. The only wrinkle in the plan is I have to use WordPad to write it, so that means shutting down and booting back into Windows 7. Gods, I hate Mozilla for axing support for Win7, it was so much easier. Oh well. We all use Linux Mint now, and that's just the way it is.

[20:51] I thought I was done with that stupid "give and take" happiness apportionment! Yesterday, I put on my leggings and discover I've got the cutest butt ever now, due in equal parts to HRT and walking everyday; and I love myself so much that I get warm feelings everytime I see myself in reflective surfaces. Now, I'm starting to feel inadequate, like I'm going to be less of a woman because I didn't start my HRT when I was 18. Now, I feel like I could take all the oestradiol in the world and still not be who I want to be. Why? Why is this?! I mean, like—I already proved to myself that I am who I want to be and I'll continue becoming better with time. But the part of my brain that wanted me to kill myself when the election was called for Trump is trying to show me how I'll never get to where I want to go. And, I'm just like, Tina, we've been over this. We are SO OVER this. When I was 18, I wanted to be the manliest man in the room. I wanted to be the most enigmatic, most masculine, most supernaturally alluring man in school. What key-word can we take from this? "Man". I was a man. I had no tendencies toward any colour of the LGBT+ spectrum, with the possible exception of the time I wanted to kiss J on the cheek and the weird boner I would get from looking at muscle-men. I certainly had no desire to be a woman, I was a man's man. Except for sports, and cars, and most kinds of rock music, and beer, and porn, I was a man's man. At least, I thought I was back then. So, yes. Tina, we're WAY OvER this. We've already thought about this, there was a contentious debate on the Talk page, but eventually the consensus was reached to delete the article. What they say about exercise—"Don't compare yourself to the fittest guy at the gym, compare yourself to all the people sitting at home watching TV"—applies here as well. Don't compare yourself to other transwomen, compare yourself to yourself before HRT.

[02:27] I don't think I should keep writing that story, so I'll just outline it here.

Link is 15 now, and he comes back to Hyrule after Majora's Mask. On his way in, he thinks about the girls he left behind, and how Saria can't grow up, Zelda is betrothed, and Ruto is married with children—you know how it is with royalty. Princesses turn 14 and suddenly they're adults. Anyway, he takes Epona back to the ranch and he and Malon fall in love in the bunkhouse. Link confesses to being a "Son of Farore" (i.e. transboy; I wrote some stuff in the intro about the Sacred Realm transforming him into a cis man because he was pure of heart and had his wish granted), which makes Malon fall in love with him even more. That's where I quit writing for the day, but the next bit is that Talon invites Link to stay at the ranch as a hired hand and he stays in the bunkhouse until he turns 18. He and Malon are basically married already (except not, because they were minors up until very recently) but they make it official, there's some sappy stuff, and then Malon comes with the confession that she is a "Daughter of Din" (i.e. transgirl). There's some topsyturvydom about the ranch's prized cow giving highly-oestrogenised milk and Talon running a side business as an apothecary specialising in Din's Potion; a combination of some forest berry and the cow's milk, which has the same effect as feminising HRT, except that it doesn't decrease virility and it releases prolactin more (I would have come up with a suitably Zelda-esque explanation for this). Well, Malon has been taking Din's Potion since she turned 13. Link admits out loud that he left Hyrule originally because Ruto and her husband had kids and he couldn't face it and says he feels so inadequate as a Son of Farore in that he couldn't have kids with anyone even though he wants to. Malon asks if he had ever considered bearing his children himself, and a lightbulb goes off in Link's mind. So, the sexy bit happens and Malon and Link have sex in the hidden room of the watchtower, which Malon has been secretly taking bed-making materials into in advance of their wedding night so they could sex it up and no one could hear them. Malon gets Link pregnant and another side-effect of Din's Potion is discovered: it actually increases the chances of having multiples, and Link ends up with triplets on his first pregnancy. There's a good deal of talk about how Link can't fit into his clothes anymore and Malon alters some of Talon's old coveralls. Link is appreciative, but says they make him look like a Goron, so Malon gives him her mother's maternity dress. This is where the triplets are discovered, in that Link ends up being too big for it to fit properly and Talon uses a stethoscope to make the determination. Malon alters the dress to fit him and it's much more comfortable, but he says he'll be glad to fit back into his old tunic. Time passes and Link gives birth to three girls whom they name Romani, Marin, and Linkael. Link's natural oestrogen and Malon's enhanced prolactin allow them both to take turns nursing. The story ends on the girls' 1st birthday where Link and Malon put them to bed under the watchful eyes of grandpa (Talon) and his husband (Ingo) and head back to the watchtower at a brisk run.

It's definitely fantastical, this story. In general, transmen don't tend toward wanting to have their own children—this isn't a rule, obviously, it's just been my personal experience. Despite Link having to put on a dress, this is not a de-trans kink story, which is why I consistently use masculine pronouns to describe Link and make it clear he prefers his tunic and leggings. Malon is basically a self-insert for obvious reasons. I figure there would have been a nursing scene, where Link is nursing 2 babies and Malon is nursing 1, and Malon says something offhand about having 2 breasts but only 1 baby, which is when they decide (silently) to have another baby. And, yes, independently of the veil of evil that Ganondorf cast over the land of Hyrule in Ocarina of Time, Ingo is Talon's husband. I considered making Ingo a Son of Farore as well, but decided that was too much of a stretch.

Anyway, now that I've outlined it here, I don't feel like I need to continue writing the actual story anymore. I guess I'm just not cut out for erotic fanfic. Maybe I should have started with something else?

[00:17] Sorry, that took longer than I thought. I hope I didn't just ruin my Super Mario throw, I got REALLY wet. Anyway, I gather that getting fucked pregnant by a minotaur is a fairly common fantasy with transgirls. But, like, why did I bother archiving that tag? Well, because Cohost was the only place I'd ever seen that was almost completely trans-safe. Sure, there's trans-inclusive, but trans people were actually safe on Cohost. I never looked in the tag much while it was online, and I only posted horny text posts to it occasionally, but I should have liked to see if any of those artists and writers had neocities sites or Bluesky accounts. I've never encountered another place where trans people could be as unabashedly transgender and horny on main as they pleased without encountering adversity. I felt it was unfair to allow the tag to lapse into shadow, remembered only by name, so I went back to Cohost at Dawn of the Final Day with SingleFile and saved it to my hoard. I didn't have the time or resources to save each post individually, so I lost all the comments; and I didn't save each picture individually either, because those files still exist on someone's computer and to resave them would be IP theft. Also, saving all the pictures one at a time would have increased the length of the project and I couldn't be guaranteed that Cohost would be able to stay in archive mode long enough for me to get all that. I did, however, save all the audio files one at a time (not that there were many), preserving the original filenames. Queer art is so often overlooked in archiving because it's considered "degenerate" or "not normal", so I figured, "if not me, then who?"

[00:37] You ever just drink pickle brine? Like, just put some into a cup and take a swig? I just did that. HOLY SHIT THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED! I've been craving something ever since I woke up yesterday, I figured I just wanted my coffee with bagel and cream cheese like normal, and it tasted fine, but it never scratched that itch. I was preparing my Halfling travelling plate just now and, since we're running a bit short of pickles, I decided to drink some of the brine. THAT WAS IT!!! I can't tell you how much better I feel now! Oh, it's true what they say: transgirls have a spiritual connection with kosher dill pickles. I guess my electrolytes were off, but now? I feel better than I have in days!

[07:58] I'm fleshing out one of my ideas for an erotic fanfic I mentioned last night, and... well, I guess I'm still trying to get over a couple of writer's blocks. First, I want the story to have substance, but I'm concerned too much of it is irrelevant. Second, I'm still not accustomed to porn lingo. I had this problem with the Baffy fanfic, too; do I empty the thesaurus for literary synonyms for "penis" or do I just go ahead with "dick" and "cock". I guess I could use that as a model. I guess these are just the normal type of things that fanfic writers think about. In terms of potential irrelevancy, I'm not spending paragraphs describing a door or something; I'm trying to not only establish that the protag is feeling unloved and inferior, but also to get the reader to feel sorry enough for them that they want to draw self-insert fanart of them giving him a big hug and a warm cup of tea. I'm also trying to get the reader to fall in love along with the protag. We haven't gotten to any sexy bits yet. I did learn something important writing the Baffy fic: whenever you think your sex scene is long enough, make it longer, because that's the bit people tune in for. There's also one other thing. I'm worried that I'll be able to face the source material if I carry on writing. I've ruined Bob's Burgers twice and Rocko's Modern Life once writing this kind of thing. Will I ever be able to look at Ocarina of Time ever again if I carry on here? Have I already ruined it? If not, at what point will it become ruined? Am I thinking too much? Well, yes actually.

[23:30] I hope that being done archiving #The Cohost Global Feed (Horny) doesn't mean that I'm going to stop drawing anthro art. I drew BNUUY.JPG originally because of a couple things I saw there while I was archiving. I also had several ideas for erotic short stories that I hope I'm going to follow through on. That archiving project showed me that what I want is sensation, not sight. I scrolled through miles and miles of the horniest text posts you've ever seen, punctuated by hand-drawn furry art, and I realised it's not about wanting to fuck animals, it's about exploration of the self. I peripherally knew this when I drew Fenna for the first time, but this just confirmed it. A transgirl wants to get pregnant, but can't, so she makes a bunnygirl who breeds like a rabbit. Things like that. My most satisfying orgasm in a long time happened while I was in between pages on the project and I lay down on the couch without my mobile phone, and imagined I was an anthro foxgirl adventurer getting dicked down by a minotaur... oh god it's happening again. Hang on, I'll be back.

[19:24] One of my neocities mutuals suddenly announced zhe's leaving forever, never updating zher site or webrings ever again. I hope zhe's all right... I remember zhe mentioned something about slowing down updates because of a medical procedure. I'm worried about zher now, to the point I almost can't focus on anything else. I want to reach out, but I can't post on zher profile right now because a malware troll came back and is targeting zher. I just hope zhe's doing okay. I have no way of knowing, I just hope there's nothing wrong. All I can offer is mi shebeirach.

mi shebberach imoteinu, avraham yitzchak veya'akov, mosheh ve'aharon, david ushelomoh, hu yevarech virappe et hacholah. hakkadosh baruch hu yimmale rachamim aleiha lehachalimah ulerappotah, lehachazikah ulehachayotah, veyishlach lah meherah refu'ah shelemah, refu'at hannefesh urefu'at hagguf; venomar amen

[15:16] I used to accuse Jennifer Lien of shrieking rather than screaming. But then, my oestrogenised ass started having really intense, really loud orgasms where my voice started chording like that too and I realised "oh, she's not shrieking, she just can't go high enough to scream how people think girls should scream like".
"What?" Uh, sorry. Normally, my thoughts are better organised, but you try thinking straight about anything when you're stroking your clit like it's your last day on earth, your toes are curling so hard you're getting foot cramps, and you're so wet you're leaving spots on the wall next to you.

[14:32] I am so tired. I'm just so tired. I want to go places, I want to meet people, I want to fall in love, I want to have a life with someone, but I can't. My car doesn't work anymore, and even if it did, where would I go? This conservative-ass city, I couldn't walk down the street in a crowded area without getting a beatdown. HOW do queer people in Ohio, and Alabama, and Texas, and Florida, and all those other places make it work? How is it that they live in more conservative areas than I do and their lives are better than mine? I just want to rest my head on someone's lap as we watch The Joy of Painting and feel loved. Is that so much to ask?

[14:38] Oh, it's not hormonal actually is it? I've wanted to start a family since 2014 haven't I? Even with rising costs and fascism, in spite of it all, I want to have kids. It's not logical, it is not linear. But it's the truth. At long last, I have the truth.

[18:15] I had a random thought from the Before Time while archiving cohost just now. I remember occasionally drawing portraits of the kids at my old job if they asked for one and I decided they'd been pretty okay that day and I had nothing else to draw so why the heck not. It was one of the school spirit days where everyone was dressed up in the formalest formalwear they had (usually this was like Shabbos or Sunday Best or whatever they wore to weddings and funerals and stuff. One of the girls in class asked for a portrait in her current outfit, but she was wearing a sundress with spaghetti-straps, and I figured her parents wouldn't appreciate it if one of the CLC teachers was drawing their daughter's bare shoulders, so I improvised a kind of sheer silk top with a floral pattern that her portrait could wear over it. With the exception of glass in windows or in glasses, that was the only time I've ever drawn anything partially transparent. Why was I thinking that just now? Well, I'm seeing a LOT of anthro fetish art (unrelated) on this project and I encountered a catgirl with a sheer silk shawl, so I thought about how to draw that and realised that I already have drawn it or something like it. Anyway, the kids would often draw things for me, and I still have all of them. 5 years on, it's probably the only place any of their old work exists anymore; in my education department onboarding folder on the top shelf of my closet.

[18:34] I need to get this page into monthly archives. It's too damn long, it's making the code editor lag.