Tina's not-so-secret diary 📓🔓

[21:38] i don't know. i don't have the right words to express how stressful and sad today has been. not for me, yet i was crying too. what right had i to cry about today? if i hadn't inserted myself into the middle of a situation, i wouldn't even know anything happened at all. but i did. and i do. I'm going to bed now. good night.

[08:24] See? See, Tina? You see what happens when you meddle in other people's affairs? I've been trying to get this through to you for at least the past 13 years, and now you've done it. Thank you for calling the Acme Bridge-Burning Company. Please hold for the next available representative.

[10:00] I'm starting to hate tumblr. For a start, rather than being the one compassionate social network on the internet, they're hell-bent on annihiliating every transfem's, Black person's, and Palestinian's account on the site. I can't tell you the number of screennames that are an Arabic proper name followed by some stupid-high number. The implication here is this is the 15th account that "mahmoud-gaza" has had to make because the zionist mod staff are locked into a neverending game of Whac-a-Mole with anyone talking sympathetically about Palestine. I reblog those fundraiser posts, I can't give anything because I have only enough money to keep me out of arrears with the bank and not enough to use on anything. No one ever pays them any attention, they just put reblog my "science fiction logos in the wrong typography" meme, adding the 15 trillionth instance of "this broke my brain" to it. I have to scroll through miles of posts begging for a little relief while reading the most graphic depictions of mass death anyone could ever imagine only to find another fucking Juggling Lab meme at the end of it. I laugh at the meme reflexively, it isn't funny anymore. Everything I do is either performative or evasive, and I know I'm on borrowed time. I've kept a low profile, but I know I'll be found by the faux-feminist "gender essentialism" lot sooner rather than later and they'll bring the axe down and split my head in a clean half. It's happened before, it will happen again, it will keep happening until the very last transfem finally throws up her hands in frustration and doesn't bother remaking her account. On that day, there will be much celebration as the mod staff all drink butterbeer in their Hufflepuff robes and Nazi armbands, holding their collectible 2002-edition Harry Potter licensed wand replicas.

[21:45] Huh. Apparently trans women CAN actually get periods. All the classic symptoms, except no discharge, obviously. So far, I've only felt the emotional impact, no physical symptoms, but what R described to me, she is genuinely on her period. Physically, mentally, the whole bit. She's quite a bit younger than I am, by almost 10 years, so maybe it's just that it's taking longer for it to happen to me, but... and I know this sounds strange, but I genuinely envy her. There's this whole other set of human experiences that you get locked out of by just having one particular set of genitals, and I always say that the more you can experience, the better person you'll be for it. One of the reasons I transed was to experience things that cis men can't understand, and really I think do understand. I understand some stuff, and really I genuinely do understand pre-teen and teenage girls a lot better now. I sorely apologise to everyone I ever accused of "PMS'ing" back in high school. I didn't know any better. So yes, to R's bewilderment, I really do look forward to the menstrual cramps. I want to know what girls feel like and what they're forced by the corporate feudal state to ignore or compartmentalise in order to function as cogs in the machine. I may look back on this and wonder what the hell I was smoking to make me want to feel this way, but for the moment at least, I envy R her cramps.

[04:06] Wow... I didn't realise just how much my singing voice has changed since i started E. Understand, this isn't really the hormones' doing. One of the big things i was grappling with pre-transition was the fact that I would have to jettison my bass-baritone range if I wanted to sound even remotely fem. I recorded myself singing along with the karaoke version of "Beautiful World" by Devo in the car the other day, and when I compare it to "Money Energy Power" (my last bandcamp single that had vocals in it), it's like a completely different person is singing. It's not the difference between Cyndi Lauper and Danny Elfman, it's more the difference between Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson. That's still a flawed example, but it's the best I can do.

Hmm... let's put it another way. I recorded "Ape Without a Plan" 10 years ago. Between 2015 and 2019, I managed to take my singing voice down almost a full octave, which I maintained basically all the way until 2023. And now, from 2023 to 2025, I've gotten rid of that lower octave and I've gone back to sounding like I used to in 2015. Let's have some examples, shall we?

Another Bandcamp single, "Monkey See", had what used to be my lowest serviceable note: E2. Even first thing in the morning, I can't hit E2 anymore. But it's not all about pitch, it's about tone and diction. Look at what happened in just over a year! February of 2022, I sound like a cross between Danny Elfman and Jerry Casale. July 2023, I sound like Tina Belcher. And not just because I was trying to sound like Tina Belcher, neither. Which I was. The point is, "Get To You" sounds a lot more like it was sung by the same person as "Ape Without a Plan" than "Money Energy Power". It's no wonder my mum has to confirm it's me on the phone now, because of all the work it took me to sound like 2022; and I've suddenly gone back to sounding like 2015. It's hard to tell. Well, it's hard for her to tell, anyway. She doesn't have this voice bouncing around inside her skull at all times of the day.

You don't get to hear the recording I made of "Beautiful World" because the acoustics in the car are terrible and I have my standards, you know. Maybe I'll sing it for a microphone one day, but don't hold your breath.

(As always, all songs showcased here were written by a human being, and all 4 were even performed by a human being, so fuck off with your AI generated shite.)

[14:25] Hello, beloved follower and chronic teenage information oversharer. I'm sure you didn't intend to tell me that your mum was born in 1978 and was 28 when she had you, but you did tell me this. Your about page also contains your age and your date of birth. I'm sure you didn't actually want to give me that information, but I don't blame you for doing it. It's second nature to you, having been groomed by Facebook and Tiktok into giving away privileged information about yourself to strangers on the internet. I, however, was raised to be suspicious of strangers asking for my personal information. I'm sure if I followed the links to your social media pages that you provide without care on your website that I could learn much more about you. Please be more careful in the future. Thank you.

[14:54] OOOOOOOOOOOOKAY THEN. absolutely INSANE OFF THE CHARTS domestic and maternal urges combined with being reminded of some stupid tumblr shit from 2022???? fuck this day im going back to bed.

[18:43] A quick update so I can archive August's diary posts.

1. I've come up with a shortlist of blorbos for my character shrine. I have 21 on there already, but I'm sure I'm still forgetting some.

2. R's engagement and the song I wrote for R and C is no longer distracting me, which is good because

3. I was right. The progesterone is making me ovulate. That's what we're calling it, even though I'm trans. It conjures the image better than any euphemism and cis women will understand what I'm talking about.

4. It's officially been 2 years since the last time I painted anything. THough I did draw something a couple nights ago...

[23:43] How do I know I'm ovulating if I haven't got ovaries, then? Well, I was furnishing my latest story family's toddler's room in The Sims 4 and I started crying. In principle, that's how it happened last month (though The Sims wasn't involved). I'll test it by going back to the same store tomorrow. I have a doctor's appointment anyway, so I'll be in the area.