It had been 2 months since Caine opened the developer console up to the Circus performers. Many things had changed as a result. The first change came after Jax's funeral: the rooms that belonged to all the Abstracted characters were opened and made into memorials to them. Their portraits were transferred onto display stands and the rooms were restored to how each person lived.
Next, each of the performers opened their own stations where they could explore their past lives and experiment with new ideas. Zooble had been first, opening a version of the Triangle Bar that their IRL counterpart, Riley Verselis, had founded. After a while, they had been considering shutting it down, as it reminded them too much of how they used to be, but Gangle offered to make it a bar and grill, using her knowledge of fast-food and her previous experience as a line cook to offer food to complement Zooble's drink menu. They decided on a new name for it: The Buckle and Ribbon, or simply B&R for short.
Pomni was next, beginning a video production house where she made documentaries set in all of Caine's adventures, which she called Jester Productions.
Kinger began to experiment more with development and had been responsible for creating new areas of the Circus Grounds, which soon became less of a setting for the Circus and more of a town in its own right. As such, they all had decided by vote to rename the Grounds to Carrington; a reference to C&A Software, which had stood for "Caine & Able" originally, and was the origin of Caine's name. This is not to be confused with the biblical figures of Cain and Abel; the company's founders' names were Karen Caine and Timothy Able. The town name also contained the word "ring", a reference to Caine's former status as Circus Ringmaster, and it all resembled the word "caring", insofar as the only way to prevent Abstraction was if they cared for each other. Carrington was populated by a cast of individually distinct NPC's who were created by Caine, Kinger, and Ragatha, who had remembered enjoying a computer game in her past life where she created characters to populate a town with. The performers, however, all agreed to remain living in the Circus tent, as Pomni had remarked once that it finally felt like home and everyone else felt the same way.
One of the new developments was also the answer to a prayer to certain performers. One day, Caine assembled everyone in front of the stage, much as he used to do before announcing a harrowing new adventure.
"Thank you all for coming," he announced, "With the help of our very own Kinger, I have devised a way for you to communicate with Abstracts."
Ragatha gasped and put a hand to her mouth. "Kaufmo? Scratch?"
"The best thing is," Kinger added, "it works two ways. You can talk, they can respond."
Pomni's jaw dropped and she remembered something she had said at Jax's funeral: "I hope that I can talk to him again, even if he can't answer back." Did Kinger and Caine manage to do it? Could she see Jax again? Would he even remember her?
"I tested it myself," Kinger continued, a tear appearing in his eyes, "I used it to talk to Queenie again. I told her everything about our life outside the Circus, what our names were, and how much I still love her."
"We can talk to Kaufmo again!" Gangle stifled a sob.
Caine held up his hand, "There's only one thing. We couldn't overcome the perceptual divide that now prevents Abstracts from fully manifesting as their original forms. The image you see will be distorted. Precisely how will depend on the personality of the Abstract you talk to."
Kinger put his hand on his chest, "But it was still enough to talk with Queenie again, for the first time in almost 3 years."
"Further to the perceptual divide," Caine added, "it may be tempting to cross it. It might even look like it's not that far away. However, since I don't fully understand the Abstraction process, crossing the divide will probably make you Abstract as well."
"Also, it's up to the Abstracts to start communications. In other words, they have to want to be talked to."
Caine resumed his standard ringmaster inflection, "So, we've installed new memory-conductive glass in the Abstractorium! Just touch it over the area where an Abstract is touching it, and you'll be able to talk to them again!" He floated down to a standing position and held his hat in his hands, before speaking without the embellishments, "On a personal note... it felt good to do something constructive for a change. I know I haven't treated you all very well over the past few years, but I hope this... makes up for some of it?"
"It's sweet, Caine," said Zooble, "It doesn't make up for years of mental anguish, but it's a start."
Over the course of the next week, Kinger visited Queenie and Scratch several times, Gangle, Zooble, and Ragatha visited Kaufmo, but so far as Pomni was aware, nobody visited Jax. Pomni wanted to visit, but she didn't know what to say that hadn't already been said.
That night, she lay in bed and, as she was falling asleep, she suddenly had a vision of a room with blue wallpaper and worn white carpeting. It didn't have the same stylistic design as the Circus, looking more like a room out in Realspace. She snapped her eyes open and stared at the canopy of her bed. The room she saw felt familiar, but it was not a room that she personally had ever been in.
"Huh," she muttered to herself, "Weird." Not giving it another thought, she fell asleep.
There was insistent knocking at the door. "Are you still in there?" a female voice called out from the other side, "You were supposed to do the dishes!"
"Uh, uh, I'm changing right now!" Pomni called in a thinly-veilled panic, "I'll be out in a bit."
"Fine, whatever," the voice said as it receded, "Just do the dishes before your dad gets home. You know how he gets."
"Yeah, okay." Pomni stepped over to the mirror and saw a teenage boy putting on a dress and running his hands down his body before assuming feminine postures and smiling at himself.
Pomni woke up on her left side, looking at the door. Remembering the dream, she got up and looked at herself in her own full-length mirror, seeing her regular procedurally-generated Circus avatar self. She had never had such trouble separating dreams from reality before, but it felt absolutely real. She was a teenage boy discovering how to dress like a woman. There was also a latent fear of being discovered, like she had committed some kind of unspeakable crime for which she would be thoroughly punished.
At breakfast, Ragatha greeted her. "Morning, Pomni! How'd you sleep?"
"Mm... weird dreams."
"I understand completely. Last night, I dreamt I was showing the Circus to real estate developers who were actually giant spiders."
"I dreamt about Realspace," Pomni muttered, "I, uh, don't really remember what it was about, though."
The next night, Pomni once again dreamt about the blue room with the mirror.
She seemed to be playing a videogame, but it wasn't clear what it was. There was pounding on the door and a male voice demanded, "You better be done with your homework!"
She angrily called out in the voice of a 16-year-old boy, "I don't have any, dad!" In an attempt to disguise the fact that she did, in fact, have geometry homework, she quickly stood up, crossed to her backpack, and pulled a worksheet out of it. Then, from the pocket of her hoodie, she produced a lighter and flicked the flame open onto the corner of the worksheet. As the paper burned, she produced a cigarette from the pack in the same pocket where the lighter had been and used the fire to light it. After the worksheet sufficiently burned down beyond its ability to be recognised, she put it out by blowing on it and deposited the still-smouldering corner into an Altoids tin that had been repurposed as an ashtray. For whatever reason, she felt the sudden sting of tears welling up in her eyes as she crossed to the vanity mirror. She saw a teenager with long dark hair wearing a purple hoodie, and leaned against the bureau drawers.
"You're not lookin' so good," she told her reflection, "What are you gonna do? Cry? Looking like this?"
She stubbed out her cigarette on the mirror and shifted a pile of dirty clothes over so she could get into one of the drawers. She pulled out a pink and white blouse with a wide neckline and elastic sleeves, looked at it for a moment, and then started crying into it.
Suddenly, another pounding on the door, startling her and an angry-sounding male voice calling out a name, but it sounded like Caine saying, "Xccdd".
She opened her eyes and lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. When she was able, she sat up. Why had she been dreaming about this strange room, constructing what was, for all intents and purposes, a young man's life? At the same time, they didn't feel constructed, but more like memories. But, more than that, they could not be explained by looking at her own life, so they must be someone else's.
Pomni knew what she had to do. She stood and went down the hall to the cellar's Abstractorium. Its dim lighting provided more appropriate illumination in comparison to the fullbright Circus Tent. She sat down on a bench and could see the hulking Abstract remains of Kaufmo, Queenie, and Scratch floating off in the distance. Another Abstract form slowly came into view and looked at her.
"Hi, Jax," Pomni smirked and waved a little. Jax blinked in reply.
"I came here because... I've been thinking about things. It didn't feel right talking about this to anyone else, not even Ragatha or Caine."
Jax gently reached a tendril out and touched the transparent wall of the Abstractorium, glanced at his tendril, then up at Pomni. She stood and touched the wall over it.
Pomni found herself in a purple environment with no lights or shadows. A silhouette of Jax's previous form appeared before her across a chasm; not so far away that she could not speak to it, but far enough away to prevent physical contact.
"How you doin', kid?" Jax's former voice sounded like it was coming over speakers.
"Pretty good," Pomni replied, "How's... Abstraction?"
"Oh, you know, can't complain. No stupid adventures, no weird freedom plots, no people. It's boring as hell, but apart from that, just great."
"You know why I couldn't let you kill yourself, right?"
Jax sighed. "Yeah. I guess I do." Then, putting on the traditional insincerity, "You just couldn't bear to think what you'd do without me, right? You had to trap me in the cellar forever so you could come and watch me like an animal in a zoo."
"Jax, you can drop the act. I was in your head. I saw your memories, I read your thoughts, I know none of that is the real you."
"Isn't it? It's how everyone remembers me, so it may as well be."
Pomni was losing patience, "I know it isn't you, because you brought me here."
Jax said nothing and just looked at her from across the gap.
"That's how this works. The glass conducts memories but only Abstracts can initiate it. Kinger said so."
"What do you want, Pomni?"
"I want to know something."
"What?"
"In your mind, there were doors. Behind 2 of them, you were wearing your maid outfit."
Jax inhaled sharply to say something cutting, but conceded, "Yeah."
"Also, I saw Ribbit put her bow on your head. You blushed and your heart rate went way up. I didn't think about it much at first, I just assumed it was a friendly gesture... but I've been having weird dreams lately. I've been a girl my entire life, both in and out of the Circus. But I've been dreaming about playing dress-up as an adult and being happy. More than that, there are memories attached to them-- memories of a bedroom with blue wallpaper and a mirror attached to the back of the door. A man pounding on the door and a woman asking about dishes. A hidden stash of women's clothes. It doesn't just feel like memories, Jax-- it feels like... I don't know, some kind of need."
"So?"
"I won't tell this to anyone else, not even Ragatha, but I have to know..." Pomni took a deep breath, "Jax... are these your memories? Did this actually happen?"
Jax said nothing, but Pomni could tell that there was thought behind the silence.
"Jax... Leeroy... are you transgender? Did you want to be a girl?"
"Well, that's what it means, isn't it?" Jax laughed sardonically, "'Cos, I sure as hell didn't want to be a boy!"
Looking down into the deep purple void, Jax added, "I didn't want to be a boy. I was never 'enough of a man' because I wasn't trying to be. I couldn't tell my dad, he would just beat me. I tried to tell mom, but..." he trailed off and sighed.
Pomni remembered the conversation Jax had with Ribbit, "That was it, wasn't it? That was the night you hurt your mom and ran away."
"I told her that I didn't feel like a man anymore and I wanted to be a woman instead. It was perfect: dad was gone so he couldn't hit me and spit on me, I had my new name all picked out, which, of course, I can't remember anymore, and I was ready to call our doctor so I could get the ball rolling on HRT. She just laughed at me and called me all the transphobic names she knew. You know the rest."
Pomni realised, "And, when Zooble voted to put that maid outfit on you, it felt like you had been exposed, so you got extra mad to cover it up."
"Heh... you think I enjoyed that?" Jax attempted sarcasm, but Pomni could tell Jax was on the verge of crying.
"Jax, I know the real you. I've seen it. I've seen the part of you that wants to open up, trust, love, whatever. The part that wants to drop the act and be genuine. Ribbit almost got there."
"Don't--" Jax stifled a sob, "Don't go there... please..."
"Okay," Pomni sighed, "I'm not a counsellor, I'm not going to make you face your demons. I just want you to know, it's okay if you're really a girl. There's nothing wrong with it. I know the way the world was going when we got copied into the Circus was hell-bent on making everyone think that trans people are evil. But, like, just look at Zooble. They're non-binary, and they're one of the best friends I've ever had."
"I envy Zooble so hard," Jax sniffled, taking Pomni aback with this sudden display of unsolicited honesty. "They got to be their genuine self around other people, not just in here, but Out There, too. And I... couldn't."
"You can be genuine in here," Pomni offered.
"Why?! What's the use?! It's too late now. I'm dead! Gone! Just another failed experiment floating aimlessly around in cyberspace!" Jax began to openly sob, making no attempt to cover it up.
Pomni instinctively stepped forward with the intent of crossing over and hugging Jax, but the chasm prevented it. She became aware that she had been calling to Jax over it, feeling all the distance between them, and began to feel restrained. She took several steps back and prepared to leap across the chasm, but Jax took notice and called out in a panic:
"Pomni, stop!"
She stopped to respond but was still resolute in her desire to get over to her friend, "I need to be with you, Jax!"
"You can't! If you cross over, you'll Abstract!"
"If that's the only way we can be together, then I will!"
Jax's panic had turned to desperate screams, "No! You can't! Please!"
Pomni was surprised by Jax's sudden concern for her safety. It was refreshing, but still surprising. "Jax... are you... worried about me?"
"Worried? Me?" Jax began to be sarcastic, but broke through that wall at long last and admitted, "Yes. I'm worried about you."
"Jax..." Pomni fell to her knees, "Oh, Jax..." she knew it had not been for nothing. Nearly Abstracting herself to keep Jax grounded long enough to get the containment tent in place, the tearful eulogy, the sleepless nights, and the attempts to connect with Jax in the Circus.
"For what it's worth," Jax said, "I heard your eulogy."
"You did?"
"Yeah. You're right. I did love Ribbit. I wish I hadn't pushed her away. Every single day, I would see her and think, I've got to set everything straight. I've got to apologise and let her know that she didn't do anything wrong. But, every single day, she came up to me and I lost my nerve. I put the wall back up. Then, one day... it was too late."
Jax began to cry again, "I heard her crying all night. I thought about helping, but I figured I would just cause more trouble than I would solve. I figured that Kaufmo and Ragatha would help... but it didn't work. It didn't work! She died alone!"
"You knew about that?"
"Of course I knew about that! I caused it! And, if it hadn't been for you, I could have gotten fully deleted too! But no! You had to be Little Miss Save-the-Day and keep me stuck here! I don't deserve to exist!" Jax's sobs turned into wails as the silhouette fell to its knees. Pomni sat there, as close to the edge as she could get.
After a while, Jax asked, "Are you still there?"
"Yes, I'm still here." She knew that Jax wasn't angry at her. She was simply a target for all the pent-up anger over apparently letting Ribbit kill herself.
"Why are you still here?"
"Because I didn't come here to talk about Ribbit, or my eulogy."
Jax sniffled, "You came here to know if I was a girly-man."
"You're doing it again."
"You're right. I'm sorry." Jax sat up and faced her. "I don't want you to Abstract for a few reasons. First, I'm not ready to face the rest of my demons. I've got demons you don't even know about. And you seem to be the only one who's ever cared enough to even have me think about them ever again.
"Second, you're kinda like the heartbeat of this place now. Ever since Caine stopped forcing you all into adventures, you've kept everyone together. Plus, if you Abstracted, I'm pretty sure Ragatha would too. I don't want to see anyone else get hurt... because of me.
"Finally..." Jax took a deep breath and paused for a moment, "I need you to tell everyone about me." Standing up, Jax's silhouette changed. While still retaining much of Jax's previous form, it now appeared as a tall, slender young woman with long hair and a skirt. "I can finally be myself here," she said, relieved, "It took me most of a year, and functionally dying, to come to this point where I can drop the act... but I can drop the act now."
Pomni was shocked at how beautiful her silhouette looked now and wished beyond all else that she could have known this Jax. She looked much more fun and more genuine than Jax ever looked before.
"I trust you, Pomni. You're the first person I've ever really, truly trusted."
Pomni smiled broadly, "I love you, Jax."
"I... I love you, too, Pomni."
She knew that this was genuine. Jax had finally broken through the walls, dropped the acts, and was now being herself for the first time in, quite possibly, ever, including outside the Circus. The chasm began to shrink and Pomni could start to see Jax's new form. It was still dark and fuzzy, as though being viewed through frosted glass, but she could make out a wide-neck tee-shirt hanging off her shoulder, a choker, and eyeliner. "You look really pretty."
"Thanks, kid. I'll see you." With that, the gap started widening again, forcing her into silhouette once more.
"Just one more thing, though."
"Anything."
"Tell Zooble I liked the maid outfit."
Pomni laughed, "I will."
Back in the Abstractorium, Pomni took her hand off the transparent wall and waved slightly to Jax, who floated up to join Kaufmo, Scratch, and Queenie. "Bye," she whispered.
Ragatha entered the room. "Pomni! There you are! Have you been here all night?"
"What time is it?"
"Eight-thirty in the morning."
"Oh! Seriously?" Pomni remembered looking at the clock on her way out of her room and it said Five Twenty-Five. "Yeah, I guess so. I was talking to Jax."
"Oh... what did he have to say?"
"Firstly, what did she have to say."
"'She'?" Ragatha looked a bit confused, "You said you talked to Jax, right?"
"Yes, and Jax is a trans girl."
"Oh, that's a bit sudden!"
"Not really," Pomni explained as she and Ragatha left the room together, "Is everyone awake? I'll explain everything to everyone at the same time."
The performers all took breakfast in the Café to give Zooble and Gangle a break from cooking all the time, and Pomni explained what Jax had told her.
"Also, Zooble," she mentioned with a chuckle, "Jax liked the maid outfit."
"Huh, he had a funny way of showing it."
"She had," Gangle corrected.
"Oh, right. Sorry, Jax. This is gonna take some getting used to, but I'll get there."
Pomni manifested a legal pad and pencil out of hammerspace and began to draw. "I got a pretty good view of Jax's new look, and I thought it would be nice to update her memorial." She turned her drawing to the group, "I'm no artist, but this is sort of what she looks like now."
"Oh, I can work with that," Gangle offered, "I used to do commissions in high school, so I've had to work with less than this before."
"I could do it," Caine offered. Everyone looked at him in surprise. "That is, I made the original door portraits, I could make the necessary edits to Jax's portrait. The rest, of course, would have to be up to you."
"You would do that for her?" Zooble asked in disbelief.
"Without hesitation," he said and snapped his fingers, producing Jax's door portrait, complete with Pomni's changes. "You see, I've learned a lot about you humans over the past few weeks. Perhaps the most important thing that you do is, you do things for each other. Without asking anything in return, you will simply stop whatever you're doing and help your friends."
Pomni picked up the portrait and held it close to her chest. "That's really sweet, Caine."
"I mean, I'm able to do the rest of it, too, but... I won't. In amongst other things I found while searching down social media profiles, I noticed quite a few posts complaining about AI-generated art."
"That really is sweet, Caine," Gangle squeaked.
"Don't forget," Kinger pointed out, "strictly speaking, this whole place was generated by an AI. Caine did make this place himself."
"I'm gonna say there's a big difference between DALL-E and Caine, though," Pomni chuckled.
"All the same," Gangle said, "I'd prefer it if you used a pencil and paper from now on."
"Noted for future reference," Caine announced and went back to his hot chocolate.
"You know," Zooble whispered to Pomni, "I think he really is learning about us. I never thought it could happen."
"Yeah," she smiled. "Also, thanks for respecting Jax's pronouns. Like, I know you two weren't close or anything..."
"She always respected mine. She might have been a major pain in the ass most of the time, but she never called me anything other than they/them."