I'm taking a break from making the How to Cheat at the 15 Essential Games pages because I'm just so completely sick of looking at Game Genie codes that I could scream. Instead, I thought I would tell you a story. Since it's half-past bad ideas o'clock, I figured I'd recount the tale of how I became a girl for the first time.
It was 2016, shortly after the World's Worst Human got elected president, and I'd been having a pretty bad month for other reasons I'd rather not go into at the moment. I really wanted to trans my gender, but I'd become convinced that I could never be anything but a man in drag. One of those Monty Python pepperpots, only without the high, squeaky voices. I don't really know where that came from, but I suspect it had something to do with Joanne Rowling.
Anyway, I was sitting at my computer, making a Doom map and, for some reason, I got onto thinking about those knots that girls tie in the side-hems of their shirts these days. My map not really progressing beyond another pointless crate room, I decided, "y'know, I'm wearing a teeshirt right now, aren't I?", and I got up and went into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror, and I tied a knot in the hem of my shirt. I looked at it from a few angles and, meh, nothing special was happening. I just had a knot in my shirt. La-dee-freakin'-dah. So, I undid it and remembered how girls at the turn of the millennium used to crop their shirts by tying knots in the front hem. We had a name for that, but I can't remember what it was. Anyway, I tried that instead and... holy shit, spuds! I was a girl. Understand, I did nothing else to myself but tie a knot in the hem of my shirt—but that was all it took! Like, I am a very large and, at the time, very masculine-looking person, and the only thing I had to do to become a girl was this 1, tiny, insignificant thing to my shirt.
As time wore on, I discovered I could use this as like a kind of ad-hoc brassiere to hold balled-up pairs of sweatpants so I could have boobs, too. My teeshirts all had weird distended bits in the front, but—I'm totally serious... All I had to do to undo all that TERFy shite the internet had planted in my head was to stuff my shirt like I was 8 years old again, parading about the motel room in mum's swimming suit, pretending I was pregnant. That's all. That is literally all.
So, kids and people, the moral of the story here is: there is absolutely nothing stopping you being the gender of your choice. Whether it's a crop-top and falsies or a haircut and a mascara mustache...
--23 November 2023--