Age Restriction: You must be 18+ to continue
First, I said I had DDD cups last year. Well, due to a previously undiagnosed thyroid condition, I lost a bunch of weight over the past year, walking around the neighbourhood and doing stair runs. Since fat cells compose most of your breast girth, losing weight will cause your boobs to shrink, which happened to me I'm sorry to say. I lost almost 2 cup sizes! 😭😭😭 I can't tell you how disheartening it was to put on my bra one day and feel that it had gotten a lot roomier. I'm down to a high-end D cup now, but my clinician feels pretty confident that I'll gain that back when the progesterone has a chance to work.
I decided in April that it was time to start progesterone. Even though, technically, trans girls don't strictly need it, I decided I was tired of this constant mood swing roller coaster, randomly stopping the middle of the corridor and feeling empty because I wasn't pregnant. After talking it over a few days ago, me and R decided that was probably just tgirl-variant PMS'ing. Nonetheless, it started getting in the way of my life, and progesterone is supposed to level that out. Like I said once, in pro audio production terms, progesterone is like a hard-limiter for your girl hormones. You have to let your oestrogen amplify the waveform to clipping first, otherwise the hard-limiter will compress it down to distortion. Well, it was loud enough for me, thank you, and so I started on progesterone. It's really had a noticeable impact on my mood, even having taken it for such a short time. While it isn't helping my sleeping schedule as much as I hoped it would, at least I don't randomly break down in a heap on the floor and start crying at, like, a pinecone or something anymore.
The most celebrated effect of progesterone is what it does to your libido. I'm not sure how it affects other trans girls, but it affected me in a way I never thought possible. And, this is where the age restriction comes in.
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In amongst various other things that happened this week to tip me off that the progesterone was starting to work on my libido, the most noteworthy thing that happened was at the store on the way back from Nature Preserve Park on Tuesday. I got my groceries scanned by the cutest guy I've ever seen. I thought I was more attracted to women than men, but the way this guy looked, the way he sounded, something below my waist got absolutely weepy for him. I wanted him. I needed him! When he spoke and I heard his deep, gravelly, commanding voice, I about died! All I could imagine was being his curvy girlfriend and having him rest his head on top of mine as we swayed about to whatever new-millennium pop punk ballad in a dark room before a picture window. More than that, though, I wanted him to get me pregnant. I didn't care that I don't have a vagina or a uterus or ovaries of any description— make it happen, buster! This happened twice more on the way home with differently-shaped men, but, for the first time, I didn't see men as sexists or racists or potential threats, I saw them as men. Manly, masculine, powerful, virile men. Men who need to knock me up pronto. So, basically, progesterone is making me ovulate. I guess just because you don't have ovaries doesn't mean you don't go into heat every now and then. After all, it's the hormones, not the eggs, that make you want to go feral when you smell a guy's cologne.
Do I think progesterone has made me heterosexual? No, I don't. However, where last month I didn't understand what women could ever see in men... well, now I do.
While I don't think this has anything to do with progesterone (I don't know, maybe), I also expressed my first colostrum a few days ago. Just a few drops out of my left boob, but my prolactin is kicking in! If I keep this up, I could probably lactate.
Apart from just the naughty bits, I've also expanded my feminine wardrobe quite a bit. After jury duty last year, when I was wearing my sports bra to flatten my C cups under a very boring, frumpy masculine outfit, I decided I never wanted that outfit to touch my skin again and threw it away the moment I got back home. Since then, I've discovered the joy of online shopping, though I have yet to learn how to appreciate sales at Goodwill. Apart from the teeshirt I made into a crop top last May (you remember, the one that showed me I have boobs now?), I also have a sundress, 3 pairs of trackpants, 2 pairs of leggings, and some miscellaneous shirts specifically designed for women. One of my favourite outfits now is a white boatneck with a cropped hem that I wear over my leggings. It's super cute and great for going out to the store in. I also cut the baggy jeans I wore to jury duty down to shorts (unfortunately, the cargo pocket limited how high I was able to cut them), which i pair with knee-high white socks and a Super Mario shirt I've had since college. See, I forgot I had that shirt until I was clearing out men's clothes from my closet and rediscovered it. I think I didn't wear it because it was tight and men don't wear tight clothes, especially bigger men. But now that I'm a girl, hey! Girls wear tight clothes all the fricken time, so why the heck not? For going out to the store, I actually prefer that outfit because the cargo shorts have pockets. The leggings don't. And I still refuse to wear a handbag. So, yeah. It's too warm for this outfit, but I got a striped sweater along with my sundress that I can pair with it which is also super cute. It makes me look like everyone's mom and is definitely the most teacherly outfit I own.
A couple of my Neocities mutuals have started feminising HRT lately too, so that's nice to see. One of the things that you forget to prepare yourself for is how much your face changes. Before HRT, I had a square jaw, thin lips, and a sort of cro-magnon forehead, but now, I look like the mean of my mum and my dad. Every time I look into the mirror, I see one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and sometimes I'll even kiss her. I have lipstick marks on both mirrors in my room because— to put it indelicately— when I'm wearing makeup, I turn myself on. Is that vain? Probably, but it's a hell of a lot better than where we were at this same time 3 years ago. So, to all my Neocities moots who are starting HRT: prepare to go to bed one night as one person, then wake up to a completely different person. THis goes for transmascs as well as transfems. It's like I wrote on the microblog: if your transition goal was to become the most uninteresting man in town, you will become that man. If your goal is to look like a '90s sitcom mom, you will look like that. And the best part is, even when you think you've stopped changing, you're still changing. You'll look more like who you want to look like tomorrow than you did today, and that's a reassuring thought.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to updating you all next year! It's an adventure, not a race. As I wrote once: the only deadline is death, and I am not going to die soon. Not even in Trump's America. Somehow, we will all persevere and outlast the tyranny.